Hurt

I haven't written about it here. I'm the mother of a child with autism. Perhaps more than one child with autism.  All three of my children have sensory processing disorder and my middle child is diagnosed on the autism spectrum and my youngest has also shown some signs as well, which causes me pain and worry.

Nobody who has not had a child on the spectrum knows what this is like, knows the pain and hurt of people who don't understand, knows what we go through on a daily basis and how profoundly our lives are affected.  To see someone who has no kids on the spectrum and does not understand post a rant on facebook about children and parents in the autism community, where words like "mentally handicapped" are thrown about and phrases like "burden on society" and "will never have a good quality of life".... it makes me want to SCREAM. 

You don't live this life. You do NOT get to comment on my child or children with his issues. He is NOT a burden, he is not mentally handicapped, he will not have reduced quality of life, and for you to say or think that without ever having lived this life and watched your own child struggle every single day is so wrong and unfair and hurtful I don't even have the words to adequately tell you off. FUCK YOU.

Fuck you for saying that parents with children on the spectrum should not be saying that they love their child and wouldn't change them for the world. FUCK YOU. I woudn't change my child.  I love him. His autism is PART OF HIM.  Its fucking PERVASIVE. Part of Pervasive Developmental Disorder, ya know.  I hate seeing him struggle daily and knowing that he always will to some extent.  But I love him for who he is.  Fuck you for being so high and mighty to judge without ever having lived this life, seen your child struggle and wish you could take it away for him and come to terms finally with the fact that it is part of him, part of who he is and you love HIM and no you wouldn't change him. Fuck you.

Live my life for one goddamn day, look into my precious child's eyes if he'll keep eye contact that long and tell him to his face that he's a burden you wish weren't here, that he will never be normal or have a quality life.  Tell him you are more concerned with the financial burden he'll place on me and on the world than who he is as a human being.  Tell him you think he is mentally handicapped and will never be functional. Tell him you don't think his mother should love him AS HE IS. 

And then go fuck yourself.

UnMerry Christmas

I have nowhere esle to talk about this, because, well.. I'll get to that.  So, this has been a horrible year for us. We've lost our home, Jon lost 2 of his 3 jobs (the 3rd is not enough for us to live on, not even close), we lost our car in June, borrowed money to get a clunker and now 6 months later that car is gone too, dead transmission.  Jon and I are at each other's throats..the stress is too much and its made us hate each other.  The guilt of not being able to do all the things for the kids I'd like to at Christmas is suffocating me and making me feel like a horrible mother. Jon's parents are trying to cause chaos and divide us even further.  My mom and I aren't talking because she is being unsupportive and emotionally abusive to the point she makes me feel like my life isn't worth living and I have to step away from her. We usually host Christmas and now will be alone because my mom and I aren't talking and my sister is choosing to spend Christmas with her boyfriend this year..which is totally her right to do, but it hurts when we are all alone. And I was guilt-tripped over suggesting changing holiday plans at Thanksgiving... but if someone else decides to just up and change things its apparently fine. ugh.  And now, we've been 8 days without a vehicle and 5 days without a phone; no hope for either to return, and its so lonely and depressing to have no hope in sight.  Rent is due again in a week and we again will have no money. Jon got paid yesterday and its gone already due to overdraft fees because we have been chronically trying to play catch-up. 

And.... here it is Christmas and I feel so alone. So overwhelmed and depressed and alone.  I feel like no one cares about us... and I know there are people who do.... but no one wants to be bogged down thinking about a poor family who's life is riddled with catastrophe at Christmas. People want to be enjoying what they have and all the gifts they will be giving and receiving and time spent with loved ones and at parties and shopping and enjoying all the fun of the season.  And I get it.  I really do.  If I could, I'd be out there doing those things.  But... we are alone. We have no money, no phone, no vehicle, no hope, and no one to spend holidays with.  We are forgotten or pushed aside because we're too depressing. No one wants to be depressed at Christmas or dwell on negative things..and lets face it my family is depressing and a big ball of negative energy right now.  So... I feel bad talking to anyone about any of this. I've opened up briefly when I feel the weight of all of this is about to crush me and I have been given some support, some criticism, and the worst-ignored or made to feel like I am ruining other peoples' joy.  sigh. So here I am feeling as depressed as I ever have in my life, barely hanging by a thread, trying to convince myself every single day that life is worth living, and I have added guilt of no one wanting to hear what I'm going through because its so depressing.  Yeah... tell me about it. I'm living it!!  That's why I NEED to talk about it, because its crushing me with how hopeless and heavy it is.  But yeah I'm supposed to just suck it up and not talk about it. Wouldn't want to infringe on other peoples' happy holidays with my despair and the fact that my life is so horrible I am forcing myself to keep going even though I don't want to. 

I hate this. I hate this all so much.  Please God help our life to get better. Please. We need a miracle.  And please help me to not feel so alone. That's maybe the worst of this, going through all of this hell and being so utterly alone.  It physically hurts its so intense. But I can't talk to other people because its too much for anyone to handle when they are focusing on the joys of the holidays. So I have to shut up and keep my miserable existance to myself. And put on a happy face for my kids as much as I can.  And inside I feel broken and empty and alone.  I cry until I can't cry any more. I have no one to lean on, no one at all. My mom has told me straight out that she can't take hearing it anymore and is sick of me and my constant bad news. My sister is too busy being excited about a new relationship. My grandmother only ever has negativity.  Friends are all busy with holidays and their families. My husband and I... well, there's an ocean between us right now.  I have no one.  With everything going on that is probably the most hurtful part of all of it.. being so alone and unwanted and having no one to lean on.  It hurts. And like many things going on, there is no end in sight, no hope of it changing.

Its the end of the world as we know it...

And I feel numb.  This year has been tumultuous and ...hard.  Not hard like challenging and character-building. Hard like a constant weight on my shoulders being added to without end, that is crushing me and breaking my spirit and my will.  Today is supposedly the end of the world and for weeks, under the stress of this hard year, hard life if I'm being honest... I have been saying that if it is, then good, because I'm tired of it all.  But sitting awake as I often do, analyzing my life and my accomplishments and regrets and the state of my being... I am not ready and do not want the world to end.  I am tired, yes. I am overwhelmed, certainly.  And its no secret to those that know me that my life is a constant state of chaos, upheaval and neverending catastrophe.  So why not be done.  I've thought for the past week that the world ending might be a good solution to this horrible painful year. But after a particularly painful few days, I feel numb to the pain that has been so intense and plaguing. I am shocked to find myself hopeful at a time of even more chaos and disappointment and hurt. I've been dragged through the mud so much in the last day or two that I should be ready to call it quits. But the pain opened up a window for me to see myself through a different perspective.  It made me want to keep going and fight and be better.  I've been so weighed down by disappointment and circumstance that I haven't been myself, haven't enjoyed life or really honestly lived in quite awhile.  I still feel bogged down in pain and despair... and I should... logically my life is in upheaval.  And I don't know if its delusional optimism or if I've just finally snapped and lost all sanity... but I have hope and want things to improve.  Maybe its not the end of the world. Maybe its just the end of some really bad times and there are good things ahead.  I have no reason to believe that, given the past year and the current state of my life, but its  not entirely impossible. And I find myself clinging to that for the first time in a long time.  For quite awhile I've been stuck in the mindset that things are bad and keep getting worse and that's all there is.....and that's all there has been.  And I've wallowed in pain for months, for the past year.  I have no reason to not be in pain right now. In fact I should be in a lot of pain and fear for the stability of my life.  But I'm numb at the moment to the pain.  Its dulled and pushed aside by something strange and new and completely unexpected.  Hope.