Its the end of the world as we know it...

And I feel numb.  This year has been tumultuous and ...hard.  Not hard like challenging and character-building. Hard like a constant weight on my shoulders being added to without end, that is crushing me and breaking my spirit and my will.  Today is supposedly the end of the world and for weeks, under the stress of this hard year, hard life if I'm being honest... I have been saying that if it is, then good, because I'm tired of it all.  But sitting awake as I often do, analyzing my life and my accomplishments and regrets and the state of my being... I am not ready and do not want the world to end.  I am tired, yes. I am overwhelmed, certainly.  And its no secret to those that know me that my life is a constant state of chaos, upheaval and neverending catastrophe.  So why not be done.  I've thought for the past week that the world ending might be a good solution to this horrible painful year. But after a particularly painful few days, I feel numb to the pain that has been so intense and plaguing. I am shocked to find myself hopeful at a time of even more chaos and disappointment and hurt. I've been dragged through the mud so much in the last day or two that I should be ready to call it quits. But the pain opened up a window for me to see myself through a different perspective.  It made me want to keep going and fight and be better.  I've been so weighed down by disappointment and circumstance that I haven't been myself, haven't enjoyed life or really honestly lived in quite awhile.  I still feel bogged down in pain and despair... and I should... logically my life is in upheaval.  And I don't know if its delusional optimism or if I've just finally snapped and lost all sanity... but I have hope and want things to improve.  Maybe its not the end of the world. Maybe its just the end of some really bad times and there are good things ahead.  I have no reason to believe that, given the past year and the current state of my life, but its  not entirely impossible. And I find myself clinging to that for the first time in a long time.  For quite awhile I've been stuck in the mindset that things are bad and keep getting worse and that's all there is.....and that's all there has been.  And I've wallowed in pain for months, for the past year.  I have no reason to not be in pain right now. In fact I should be in a lot of pain and fear for the stability of my life.  But I'm numb at the moment to the pain.  Its dulled and pushed aside by something strange and new and completely unexpected.  Hope.