Hurt

I haven't written about it here. I'm the mother of a child with autism. Perhaps more than one child with autism.  All three of my children have sensory processing disorder and my middle child is diagnosed on the autism spectrum and my youngest has also shown some signs as well, which causes me pain and worry.

Nobody who has not had a child on the spectrum knows what this is like, knows the pain and hurt of people who don't understand, knows what we go through on a daily basis and how profoundly our lives are affected.  To see someone who has no kids on the spectrum and does not understand post a rant on facebook about children and parents in the autism community, where words like "mentally handicapped" are thrown about and phrases like "burden on society" and "will never have a good quality of life".... it makes me want to SCREAM. 

You don't live this life. You do NOT get to comment on my child or children with his issues. He is NOT a burden, he is not mentally handicapped, he will not have reduced quality of life, and for you to say or think that without ever having lived this life and watched your own child struggle every single day is so wrong and unfair and hurtful I don't even have the words to adequately tell you off. FUCK YOU.

Fuck you for saying that parents with children on the spectrum should not be saying that they love their child and wouldn't change them for the world. FUCK YOU. I woudn't change my child.  I love him. His autism is PART OF HIM.  Its fucking PERVASIVE. Part of Pervasive Developmental Disorder, ya know.  I hate seeing him struggle daily and knowing that he always will to some extent.  But I love him for who he is.  Fuck you for being so high and mighty to judge without ever having lived this life, seen your child struggle and wish you could take it away for him and come to terms finally with the fact that it is part of him, part of who he is and you love HIM and no you wouldn't change him. Fuck you.

Live my life for one goddamn day, look into my precious child's eyes if he'll keep eye contact that long and tell him to his face that he's a burden you wish weren't here, that he will never be normal or have a quality life.  Tell him you are more concerned with the financial burden he'll place on me and on the world than who he is as a human being.  Tell him you think he is mentally handicapped and will never be functional. Tell him you don't think his mother should love him AS HE IS. 

And then go fuck yourself.